Friday, March 12, 2010

A Darker Day...

I am not sure if anyone reads this, but if you are, you are most likely a close friend, family memeber or a complete stranger…in any case, I feel comfortable sharing some very personal thoughts in the paragraphs to come. I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart...I have to let go of this energy, and hope that by putting it out there, the positive energy comes back...many thanks to all the love and support from our friends and family.

After 10 weeks of being pregnant, and only 4 ½ weeks of actually knowing I was, I never thought I could be so connected to the little being growing in my body. From the moment I got over the initial “shock” of having an unexpected pregnancy and witnessed the flicker of the heartbeat on the ultrasound, my soul embraced all of the lovely feelings and emotions of becoming a mother. Everything you do as an expectant mother is in the best interest of your child. From each bite of food I put in my mouth – always making sure it was something nutritious to help my little one grow strong and healthy, to actually listening to my body for once and taking it easy whenever I felt tired, to changing my make up and shampoos to all-natural organic versions, and letting my dark roots grow out week by week…although they look a bit scary, I began to embrace them as being part of creating a healthy baby. Every day that went by, I counted down…just waiting for the full 13 weeks to be behind me, so I could be through the first hump of worry.

I have known so many healthy women who have miscarried, so from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I tried to keep myself from becoming too attached...making sure to tell always add a “disclaimer” when we shared our pregnancy news with close friends and family - “we’re pregnant (yay!) BUT we are hesitant to get excited because we are still early and so much can happen in the weeks ahead.” But how do you not fall in love with the kidney-bean sized fetus and all of the possibilities that lie ahead? We welcomed the different path that we had been blessed with…once again, being the “unconventional” couple that Matt and I have always been. I did my best to try not to allow myself to get too connected…but yesterday, it all crashed down around me. No heartbeat on the ultrasound. I will never forget that moment.

My heart is broken today, and although I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and this is all part of a much bigger plan for us, I still grieve so deeply.

I am not yet strong enough to change my profile on the blog…so for now, it will remain as-is...until I can gather the courage to delete all the possibilities that Matt and I were dreaming about, and all the sugar-coated plans that lied ahead.

We know our future is bright, and that we have been blessed with so much. We are confident that we will become stronger from all of's just going to take some time to heal. For now, we will just take it one day at a time, and I am going to work on getting re-focused (and distracted) by jumping back into all of the fun and creativity that came with planning our sweet and simple wedding, which made me so happy.

Thank you for being a beautiful and positive part of our lives.