In loving memory...

We lost an incredible soul last week. A man who was inspiring to all who were fortunate to know him. A man who was kind, generous, thoughtful, caring; the quintessential family man who excelled at all he did - from balancing a successful career with traveling the world, being an amazing father, loving husband, friend to everyone, star athlete (cycling, surfing, paddling and almost everything in between) . Mark Bixby, 44 - father, husband, friend, role model. You will be terribly missed.

I haven't been able to write anything since last week. I didn't really know what to say. If you grew up in Long Beach, there's a good chance you know who the Bixby's are, and sadly, you might have even known someone else on the small plane that went down at Long Beach Airport last Wednesday morning, killing 5 family-men with 1 survivor (Mike Jensen).

I was very fortunate to meet Mark & his beautiful fiance (at the time), Theresa, when I was around 12...they moved in next door to us. They introduced me to surfing and would take me down to Old Man's at San-O with their friends...I used to be sooo excited to drive down and spend time with them, I could hardly sleep the night before. They showed me how true love of the ocean becomes a lifestyle, and encouraged me to pursue outdoor activities...they had such passion for life & all that nature has to offer; always inspiring to me. I dreamed of someday being an adult, living the way they did.

2011 photo -

As years went on, they got married and had 3 beautiful children - Ryan, Kirra and Jessica. In highschool my close friends and I would babysit their darling little ones, and continued to admire their growing family...a close unit full of love. They maintained their lifestyle, full of activities with their children - traveling, surfing, water polo, soccer, snowboarding/skiing - and absolutely live life to its fullest. They've dedicated their lives to making their community a better place, and have given so much to everyone who is fortunate to know them.

Even if you have never met them, when you see a photo of the Bixby family, it truly speaks a thousand words. The kids always have their arms thrown around each other, Theresa has her hand rested on one of them or intertwined with the girls, and, whenever they are in a photo together, Mark is lovingly holding his wife. The love between their family is so evident, even in the most candid of shots.

As it often seems to happen, it's those who give so much to others and live beautifully and fully, whose lives are cut so short. Our hearts go out to the entire Bixby family, for I cannot even imagine the pain they are forced to endure right now. I know Theresa will be strong through this, and she will continue being the amazing role model that she has always been - for her family, her friends and her community. Mark will be forever missed but will live on through his beautiful children and the spirit and energy that he shared with everyone who knew him.

Time Heals...

It's been a week and a half since our lives, once again, changed so much. Over many confused, heartbroken, helpless moments, we have found that time truly heals and that we can get through anything as long as we have each other. It's been only 11 days, and part of me feels like it was almost a lifetime ago...the healing process has definitely loosened the tight grip that the grief had wrapped around us, and we are slowly finding our comfortable peace again. My thoughts are not heavily overshadowed by the gloomy feelings of loss and despair, and I am now able to share my feelings without losing my breath from the overwhelming emotion of it all.

The last 6 weeks have changed us forever - as individuals and partners - and we are welcoming what the future brings with open arms. We have already learned so much, and have embraced what we believe is the complicated, yet motivating and hopefully life-changing answer to our question, "why?"

It's still a bit early for me to try and live in the moment, for I fear that I might be confronted by that dark place that trapped me only a few days ago, but I look forward to all of the beautiful, memorable and special moments that this lovely year will bring...sunrises and sunsets, visits with good friends, endless nights with Matt's arms around me, journeys abroad, and all of the simple little things that I cherish so much...

It's already been such an incredible year for us, and we look forward to all that lies ahead.

Thank you for stopping by and for sharing my journey with me.

Just a little something I wanted to share...I took this photo outside of our village house at Desa Seni in Bali 2008. I find the never-ending rice fields to be so peacefully enchanting. Wishing you a day as peaceful as this...

xoxo

One Week...

Well, it's been one week. One week since Matt and my little world changed so much...again.

The time went by so fast...I still have moments of grief where it seems like it just happened yesterday, and I can't quite get my arms around it. We are handling it as well as we can, and continuing to keep ourselves as busy as possible...hopeful to soon let go of the sadness that often quietly creeps up with no warning and wraps it's dark arms around me so tightly, leaving me breathless.

That darkness overwhelmed me yesterday morning...it just comes out of nowhere...and for whatever reason, continued to linger through most of the day. I was in a total funk. But we made sure to end our day on a lovely note, enjoying the illuminating pink and orange St. Pattie's Day sunset at a quiet little park nestled above the ocean, sipping a glass of wine, just the two of us.

I found a picture on Etsy that moved me, and I wanted to share. It drew me toward it...a moment of sadness combined with a feeling of peace. I don't know if you will see what I see...perhaps it's just my state of mind. I wish you a day full of beautiful and peaceful moments...



"A dreamy day at the beach"

A Sunny Day...

I stayed home from work today...still working on healing a broken heart. Today is already a much brighter day, though...beautiful morning and I am finally starting to feel a bit like my old self. I actually slept a full 8 hours, which I actually don't think I had done since I found out I was pregnant...my body finally gave in to the exhaustion and let me get my much-needed zzz's.

Going to dive right back into wedding planning this week, and I am looking forward to doing some DIY projects and scrolling through my beloved wedding blogs - http://www.oncewed.com/, www.100layercake.com/blog and http://www.greenweddingshoes.blogspot.com/, just to name a few. I opened my "wedding checklist" yesterday...wow, I have A LOT to do in the months to come, so I don't think it will be hard to keep myself very busy :)

Anywho...going to get back on track with my usual posts...little tidbits that I think my friends and family might find valuable in their everyday lives...so I hope you will continue to stop by for a visit.

XOXO

p.s. here is a photo of a wedding that i LOVE...very similar to the style we are going for with ours. the groom even has a billy-ball corsage!!

Moving forward...

It's the middle of the night, and here I am...typing.

Matt and I treated ourselves to a little bit of normalcy yesterday...got out of the house and enjoyed some fresh air. We spent our sunny afternoon in Beverly Hills, someplace away from what is familiar to us...a place that wouldn't remind us of anything or where we would bump into anyone we knew. We had a nice lunch at a cafe that I've been to a couple times and always enjoy sitting outside under an oversized umbrella and watch the interesting people who frequent Rodeo Drive.

We ended our day at one of our favorite restaurants - Koi - where, no matter what any other restaurant claims, they still make the best spicy tuna and crispy rice in town. In typical Katie fashion, we ordered the biggest and most decadent dessert on the menu, and then came home for dessert #2 - Ben and Jerry's oatmeal cookie ice cream...YUM.

We both felt really good all day. But coming home was not easy. It made me realize that, even though I was only pregnant for about 10 wks, I had truly already started going through the "nesting" phase. Over the last 4 weeks, I loved just being home...preparing for what's to come by cleaning cupboards and closets, buying new towels and linens, and simply enjoying our cozy little house. Other than working, going for a walk or running errands, I basically spent my last few weeks at home...and whether I was alone or with Matt, I loved every minute of just being there.

Now home just reminds me of the the "could have beens"...all of the feelings and emotions that were once there, preparing for baby, are left....tucked away in our couch, wrapped up in our snuggie, greeting me when I open our pantry, packed in the fridge where the gallon of milk (which I never drank before pregnancy) and healthy treats I bought specifically for being an expectant mommy, still remain.

It is all still so fresh, and everything is a reminder of what life was just a few short days ago...it seems different here now. Only 10 wks of pregnancy...but that 10 wks changed us so much.

I know the healing process has already begun, and I will feel good again soon. I have to continue to distract myself and stay busy...writing definitely helps and hopefully I will be able to get back into wedding planning soon (I don't even know where to begin or where I left off!?!?). I still can't bring myself to really talk about it much with anyone other than Matt...but I look forward to spending time with my inspiring, positive and supportive girlfriends soon.

Again, many thanks to all who have continued to call, text and email...the support means the world to us.

Love you xoxo

Thank you...

To our family & friends...

We can't express how thankful we are for all of your support, encouragement, positive energy and love. For all of you who have left messages, sent texts & emails, we truly appreciate your kind words, as they have been so helpful in getting us get through this challenging time.

I am still having trouble talking about everything, so I apologize for not being able to get back to most of you...but as soon as I am feeling better, I will be sure to call. For now, this is going to be my way of sharing thoughts with friends and family...

In brighter spirits today. The grief is still there, but the surgery to remove the pregnancy went well yesterday, and now that I have gotten that behind me, my body and mind are in healing mode. Matt is taking wonderful care of me...not letting me lift a finger...he's been my rock through all of this.

The nurses at the hospital gave me graham crackers when I woke up from surgery - have you had a graham cracker lately? YUM. I ate almost an entire box!

Anyway, again, thank you all for everything...talk to you soon xoxox

A Darker Day...

I am not sure if anyone reads this, but if you are, you are most likely a close friend, family memeber or a complete stranger…in any case, I feel comfortable sharing some very personal thoughts in the paragraphs to come. I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart...I have to let go of this energy, and hope that by putting it out there, the positive energy comes back...many thanks to all the love and support from our friends and family.

After 10 weeks of being pregnant, and only 4 ½ weeks of actually knowing I was, I never thought I could be so connected to the little being growing in my body. From the moment I got over the initial “shock” of having an unexpected pregnancy and witnessed the flicker of the heartbeat on the ultrasound, my soul embraced all of the lovely feelings and emotions of becoming a mother. Everything you do as an expectant mother is in the best interest of your child. From each bite of food I put in my mouth – always making sure it was something nutritious to help my little one grow strong and healthy, to actually listening to my body for once and taking it easy whenever I felt tired, to changing my make up and shampoos to all-natural organic versions, and letting my dark roots grow out week by week…although they look a bit scary, I began to embrace them as being part of creating a healthy baby. Every day that went by, I counted down…just waiting for the full 13 weeks to be behind me, so I could be through the first hump of worry.

I have known so many healthy women who have miscarried, so from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I tried to keep myself from becoming too attached...making sure to tell always add a “disclaimer” when we shared our pregnancy news with close friends and family - “we’re pregnant (yay!) BUT we are hesitant to get excited because we are still early and so much can happen in the weeks ahead.” But how do you not fall in love with the kidney-bean sized fetus and all of the possibilities that lie ahead? We welcomed the different path that we had been blessed with…once again, being the “unconventional” couple that Matt and I have always been. I did my best to try not to allow myself to get too connected…but yesterday, it all crashed down around me. No heartbeat on the ultrasound. I will never forget that moment.

My heart is broken today, and although I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and this is all part of a much bigger plan for us, I still grieve so deeply.

I am not yet strong enough to change my profile on the blog…so for now, it will remain as-is...until I can gather the courage to delete all the possibilities that Matt and I were dreaming about, and all the sugar-coated plans that lied ahead.

We know our future is bright, and that we have been blessed with so much. We are confident that we will become stronger from all of this...it's just going to take some time to heal. For now, we will just take it one day at a time, and I am going to work on getting re-focused (and distracted) by jumping back into all of the fun and creativity that came with planning our sweet and simple wedding, which made me so happy.

Thank you for being a beautiful and positive part of our lives.

XOXO