Looking forward...

Anyone who is very close to me knows that this past year has been quite a journey.  While I have yet to write about it (because I spend so much time dealing with it every day, I am not yet ready to put its uncomfortable energy into my passion and hobby)…but I look forward to someday sharing my story of overcoming all of this, and living a long, healthful, purposeful life full of beautiful and special moments until I grow old and gray (and traveling & eating fabulous meals once again!).  

That said, I read a few quotes today that I wanted to share…written by someone who has gone through a very similar journey to me, and who has become an inspiration in my life.

"I guess you fight through the bad days to earn the best days of your life."

"Best friends are people who make your problems their problems just so you don't have to go through them alone."

"Sometimes God uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling…"

I trust that this last one will be very true for me…and that I will someday look back and see purpose in this long, winding journey that has often brought me to my knees, feeling helpless and confused…only to be lifted up by my dearest friends, my incredible husband and my beautiful baby girl.  They give me the strength and encouragement to get through everyday.

To my husband, my rock.  My clear, stable mind when I can't think for myself.  My everything.

To my baby girl, whose smile, laugh and beautiful personality lights up my life…you are my greatest treasure.

To my girls, you know who you are….I can never thank you enough for all you do for me. It is because of you that I can keep my head above water and see clearly through the fog of self-pity and discouragement that can often weigh me down when I'm not feeling well.  You always throw me the life raft when I need it most.

To Oma, there is no one who I would trust more with our sweet girl, and I know the joy and happiness she experiences with you is unbelievably special and priceless, and will help shape her to be the compassionate, kind, sensitive and sincere person that I already see her becoming.

To my mom, who patiently listens to me after every doctor's appointment and every challenge I face, supporting me and helping me navigate through it all; thank you.  

To my team of doctors, my naturopath and acupuncturist…I finally take comfort that I am with the right team who is doing everything they can to best support me.

While this has turned my world upside-down, the incredible support system I have around me fills me with such gratitude.  

I trust that it's experiences like this that ultimately makes life worth living…creating sincere appreciation for good health, the simple things that already meant so much to me before, and the importance of surrounding myself with people who lift me up and bring beautiful energy into my life.  For this, I am forever grateful.

Daily practice...

For 21 days, I participated in an online guided meditation with Deepak Chopra, and it was such a wonderful, centering way to start each day.  In effort to remember some of what I've learned, I thought I'd share here…perhaps you, too, will find some of these mantras helpful if you choose to use them.

Deepak says that contentment is the source of true happiness.  He shared that life requires no struggle, fear or resistance; you only need to be.  And to become enlightened, you stop running all the time and you begin to walk…and once you're walking you slow down and stop.  Once you stop, you see who you really are.  

The journey of meditation is a process of relaxing and letting go (and, for most, it takes a lot of practice, but it is well worth the time).  Below are several Sanskrit Mantras that may help take you there.  Choose one, get comfy (sitting on the floor, your couch, upright in your bed), turn on relaxing music if you'd like, close your eyes, breathe slowly and deeply…and silently repeat the mantra, over and over to yourself and let your mind take you away…even as little as 5 minutes a day can provide significant life-changing benefits.  And remember - it's ok if your mind wanders (it will…), but when you realize it, just bring yourself back to your breath and the mantra.  Be patient with yourself.  I usually have to do this almost a dozen times through my 20-min meditations!

Sanskrit Mantra (in bold):
Rabhasa Hum - I am pure delight (my happiness shines everywhere)
Ravaye Hum - I am the light of radiance (my happiness energizes and inspires me)
Karuna Hum - I am compassion (I radiate sympathy and acceptance)
Seva Hum - I am service (my soul expands when I help others)
Prasada Hum - I am devine grace
Shanti Vira - I radiate devine blessings (I am a calming presence)
Purnamindam - I feel fulfilled (I walk in the light of my fulfillment)

In addition, I've also included (below) two 30 minute guided meditations that I have found very helpful during the last few months, as I've continued to explore the power that it has to help heal us, and open us… (thank you Aunt Mary!)

Asking for Nothing and Receiving Everything

Heal Thyself

I hope you enjoy...
xoxo

Finally here...

Hello friend. So...I can't believe it's January. Most of my last year was spent wondering what it would be like to be here. It always seemed so far away. 2010 was a dramatic & turbulent rollercoaster full of my highest highs and lowest lows, creating the biggest changes in my life...setting me up for where I am today. I just can't believe it's a reality...will somebody please pinch me?!

I'm starting 2011 in an entirely new position with my long-time (amazing) employer. After spending 9 years in sales (which is something that I just totally fell into in my early 20s and have always known it wasn't going to be my 'forever' career) I have now basically started all over again...doing marketing & events.

This position was born early last year...shortly after I resigned from my job. Yep, I quit. I had suffered through a miscarriage, and it took me through an incredible spiral of emotions...leading me to hold onto one thought - there is purpose in this. There is a reason this happened to me. I need to learn something from this in order to make sense of it all.

For me, that purpose was a wake-up call, telling me to slow down. Smell the roses. Live what I love. Enjoy what I do everyday. Be challenged. Be creative. Do what comes naturally to me. Create positive change.

Well, after numerous meetings, conference calls and emails, my incredibly supportive and generous employer offered me a position I couldn't turn down. They listened to what I wanted to do next in my career (be more creative...get far, far away from sales...write...) and they saw it as an opportunity to utilize my experience and interests in an entirely different way. The best part....drum roll please.......I work from home on a part-time schedule!! I go into the office for 5 hours every Wed but otherwise here I am...sitting at my new fab white lacquer desk (love!!), learning a new side of the biz, constantly being challenged. I am basically starting all over again. It's totally crazy. But totally good, too.

The only catch...because I'm working from home, and I'm really enjoying what I'm doing, I'm actually working a lot more than what I thought I would be. In fact, I can't stop working!! New ideas & thoughts are constantly nagging at me...and there is always one more follow up call to make or one more email to write. Don't get me wrong - I'm totally not complaining. But it's just funny that I'm working harder now than I did all last year (shhhh!). The difference though - I'm loving what I'm doing. And that's all that matters. Of course, there is a substantial financial difference in my new position...but let me tell ya, doing something you enjoy is soooooo worth having to tweek your lifestyle a bit.

Not sure how this year is gonna go...but so far, so good. I hope you are enjoying whatever it is that you might be doing...and I hope this year brings you happiness, passion & success in all that you do.

xxoo

Catching up...

It seems like forever since I've written...haven't really had a moment of downtime in the last week! But here I am, enjoying the gorgeous sunset of an afternoon that was filled with sunshine...relaxing at home, letting the warm rays flood my living room accompanied by a light breeze. It finally feels a bit like summer....ahhhhhh.

I feel great and all is well, but my mind continues to overflow with the never ending to-do list...so much so, that I actually drove away with a pair of brand new shoes on the roof of my car (still in the box, shortly after I purchased them)...and no, unfortunately, I never got them back :( Ho hum, I guess I wasn't supposed to wear them, after all. Someone lucky came up on a fab new pair of pumps!

What's crazy is that with about 7 weeks until the wedding, I'm surprisingly more comfortable, calm and mellow than I've been in the last 10 months of planning. With the amazing support of my mom, I can finally see it all coming together (except I still need to decide on shoes!) and I'm really excited for the day to be here...and for the long honeymoon that follows :)

I'm confident that the next year is going to be a big one for us, and I look forward to continuing to explore what it is that I "want to do when I grow up??" It has definitely been an exciting journey thus far...now onto the next chapter. It's incredible how quickly time is passing by...I need to remind myself, carpe diem!

"Go for it now. The future is promised to no one." - Wayne Dyer

I hope your week is full of unforgettable moments...
xxo

Writers block...

Well, it was interesting timing for me to decide to do my mini detox from alcohol, as last night I could have used a gigantic glass of wine more than ever.

I have been working on an essay of sorts - basically a short story that I will be pitching to various publications, hopeful to launch a possible freelance writing career (part of the whole soul-searching thing I've been going through!). I've been working on it for weeks...always a bit uncertain of where I am going with it...until I spent all afternoon on Friday working on it. Voi la! After four hours of vigorously typing, I finally had a finished product that I was proud of and felt confident in sharing with the powers that be. This was my ticket to new beginnings!

Right. Well, apparently I had saved the file incorrectly (there was a lot of computer jibber-jabber that I didn't understand when Matt's tech-smart brother came over to try and recover my beloved), and the file was lost in the black hole of technology. Toast. I couldn't believe it. I finally had a moment of clarity and had written a piece that I was excited to share...page upon page...gone. I was totally devastated. All of my thoughts were wiped away by the simple click - or no click - of a button. I never lost a lengthy term paper due to computer (or human) error during college, so I guess this was finally my slap in the face.

Lesson learned - back up, and then back up again. And again.

Needless to say, I spent the majority of my weekend desperately trying to recover my thoughts that seemed to spill so effortlessly onto the keyboard just a day earlier...now totally cramped in a heavy cloud of writer's block. It was like the files in my brain were erased and nothing has quite come together the same...but I am hopeful that in the end, it will all come together. We'll see. I'm dizzy from looking at a fluorescent computer screen all weekend.

Now I see why my dad loved his typewriter.

xxo

Static...

Do you ever have so many thoughts on your mind, so many things to do and so many decisions to make that you don't even know where to start? This is where I am right now...and, oddly, being this overwhelmed is almost like a state of zen for me. It just all kind of blurs together...like static.

I am totally distracted, a bit all over the place, and can't seem to finish one task without finding myself half way onto another. I start thinking about something and then another thought comes floating in, and my mind wanders...onto the next.

This is an interesting space to be in. Basically a state of total confusion with underlying anticipation. I feel like I'm in the clouds, letting each day float by...week after week. I think this must be my subconscious way of not allowing myself to totally freak out about the fact that our wedding is in less than 5 months (still figuring out venue!), I'm planning to leave the comforts of my stable job shortly after, dabbling in the thoughts of starting my own business, passively attempting to start a freelance writing career, meanwhile still trying to figure out what it is that I want to do when I grow up.

I think it's time to go back to Bali....hmmmmmm :)

See the wood deck? That's where I would do yoga while Matt would surf the break in front...Uluwatu, Bali...a.k.a. Paradise

Going Granola...

As I do every Friday, I took in the crisp, sunny weather today while I did my usual mid-day mosey around the Farmer's Market.

As I catch up with my tofu/tempeh friend who also sells fresh coconuts, I think to myself - he is the best salesman I have ever met. With such witty finesse, he is always effortlessly convincing me to spend the bulk of my money on his scrumptious, soy-based, protein-rich products. What a simple and wonderful job he has...enjoying the lovely days chit-chatting with those strolling through the various markets he attends; doing it with such enthusiasm, positivity and great energy. He seems so happy, so complete, so fulfilled.

For a moment I thought - how cool would it be to represent farmers and local food companies, and work at weekly farmer's markets, helping to sell the product, interacting with friendly customers; just spending your day outside in a cheerful atmosphere of simplicity?! Once again, it made me realize how drawn I have become to living a simple life.

There I was. Holding my full, reusable shopping bags in both arms, wearing faded leggings and Tom's shoes, hair a bit tasseled from lack of attention, just a dash of makeup on, and I stood for a moment...have I gone from fashionista to granola? (ok, "fashionista" is a bold term to use...but having worked in fashion for the bulk of my career and always being a fan of style, I thought it would be the best way for me to describe the transition in basic terms)

Well, if that's the case, I must say...I hope you will try being granola too, because every day that I do something that I know is helping to create positive change for myself, my family and my environment, I feel just one small step closer toward feeling whole - mind, body and spirit. There is a deep, soulful comfort in it. Even the smallest, simplest steps...it all adds up :)

http://www.leloveimage.blogspot.com/

Wishing you a beautiful weekend!!
XOXO

Soul searching...continues...

Well, another Monday has come and gone. Once again, at sunrise I pulled myself from the comforts of my cozy sheets, barely opened my eyes, marched my way to the shower, gulped down a protein smoothie and rushed out the door...to spend the next hour on the 405 fwy and PCH, treking down for another day at the office (don't get me wrong - my office is by the beach in Newport with floor to ceiling windows and is a nice place to go to work...but it's still an office).

I am so ready for a change...but then when I really think about actually leaving the comforts of the job I know oh-so-well and the stability that it has provided for almost 6 yrs, I immediately start clinging back on to the thoughts - "It's such a risk! What am I gonna do next?! What if I fail? What if I regret my decision? What if I just end up adding more stress to my life by leaving a great job for the unknown?"

But...as I discussed with a very lovely and brave friend of mine who is currently living all of the unknowns I listed above, no great man or woman ever succeeded without taking risks. So...I guess it's just about simply doing it. Taking a leap of faith...a huge risk that may (hopefully) reap huge rewards. Passion, balance, creativity, love...and the true definition of, what I think, is "success" (refer to last post :)).

My friend and I also chatted about how almost all of our friends are going through the same thing...so is it just our generation? Are we all just selfishly soul searching without realizing how amazing we have it (great jobs, roof over our head, food on the table, etc)? Are we a generation of the-grass-is-always-greener, unrealistic people...constantly searching for the next destination without enjoying the journey?

All I know is that I have felt compelled more lately than ever before to do something. Make a difference. Take the creative path that I always thought I would, meanwhile doing my best to try and create change in a positive way. I guess I will not know what's next until I actually take a step. My toes are in...now it's just a matter of time before I really get my feet wet...

XOXO

LIVE what you LOVE...

Many of my conversations with friends over the past year have been tied into how we all feel like we have been sucked into some sort of odd transition over the past year or two that has left us with feelings of discontent and uncertainty...not necessarily about the future, but more about today. Many of us are questioning where we are at this point in our lives - are we living what we love? Sadly, all too often, the answer is a loud and disappointing, NO.

I always thought that by 30, I would have it all figured out. Then life happened. And here I am. 30...and still searching for what it is that I want to do?? Don't get me wrong - I am incredibly thankful for all of the wonderful things that I have been so blessed with, and the career that I have - but there is definitely a big, empty void where I am left wondering...what's next? And, what am I going to do to make sure I have done my part to make this world a better place when I'm gone?


So the search continues...and I know I am not alone in my quest. Although most of my friends have lead successful, often lucrative careers, we are all asking the same thing - is this it? This is what we pull ourselves out of our comfy beds and work 40-50 hrs a week for? To own a home? Drive a nice car? Buy an expensive pair of shoes? To me, this does not feel like success at all...and I think many of us are starting to truly explore what the meaning of "living what you love" is, and what it is to truly be "successful."

I guess my point of this note is just to share my thoughts, put it out there into the universe, and hope that it comes back with some answers for me. I do think my path is starting to change, and I am excited (and sometimes overly ambitious in my thoughts) for what's ahead. I know every day is part of the experience, part of the growth and part of what's going to get me one step closer...meanwhile, I am going to do my best to enjoy, learn and live, one lovely day at a time.

XOXO

Time Heals...

It's been a week and a half since our lives, once again, changed so much. Over many confused, heartbroken, helpless moments, we have found that time truly heals and that we can get through anything as long as we have each other. It's been only 11 days, and part of me feels like it was almost a lifetime ago...the healing process has definitely loosened the tight grip that the grief had wrapped around us, and we are slowly finding our comfortable peace again. My thoughts are not heavily overshadowed by the gloomy feelings of loss and despair, and I am now able to share my feelings without losing my breath from the overwhelming emotion of it all.

The last 6 weeks have changed us forever - as individuals and partners - and we are welcoming what the future brings with open arms. We have already learned so much, and have embraced what we believe is the complicated, yet motivating and hopefully life-changing answer to our question, "why?"

It's still a bit early for me to try and live in the moment, for I fear that I might be confronted by that dark place that trapped me only a few days ago, but I look forward to all of the beautiful, memorable and special moments that this lovely year will bring...sunrises and sunsets, visits with good friends, endless nights with Matt's arms around me, journeys abroad, and all of the simple little things that I cherish so much...

It's already been such an incredible year for us, and we look forward to all that lies ahead.

Thank you for stopping by and for sharing my journey with me.

Just a little something I wanted to share...I took this photo outside of our village house at Desa Seni in Bali 2008. I find the never-ending rice fields to be so peacefully enchanting. Wishing you a day as peaceful as this...

xoxo

One Week...

Well, it's been one week. One week since Matt and my little world changed so much...again.

The time went by so fast...I still have moments of grief where it seems like it just happened yesterday, and I can't quite get my arms around it. We are handling it as well as we can, and continuing to keep ourselves as busy as possible...hopeful to soon let go of the sadness that often quietly creeps up with no warning and wraps it's dark arms around me so tightly, leaving me breathless.

That darkness overwhelmed me yesterday morning...it just comes out of nowhere...and for whatever reason, continued to linger through most of the day. I was in a total funk. But we made sure to end our day on a lovely note, enjoying the illuminating pink and orange St. Pattie's Day sunset at a quiet little park nestled above the ocean, sipping a glass of wine, just the two of us.

I found a picture on Etsy that moved me, and I wanted to share. It drew me toward it...a moment of sadness combined with a feeling of peace. I don't know if you will see what I see...perhaps it's just my state of mind. I wish you a day full of beautiful and peaceful moments...



"A dreamy day at the beach"

A Sunny Day...

I stayed home from work today...still working on healing a broken heart. Today is already a much brighter day, though...beautiful morning and I am finally starting to feel a bit like my old self. I actually slept a full 8 hours, which I actually don't think I had done since I found out I was pregnant...my body finally gave in to the exhaustion and let me get my much-needed zzz's.

Going to dive right back into wedding planning this week, and I am looking forward to doing some DIY projects and scrolling through my beloved wedding blogs - http://www.oncewed.com/, www.100layercake.com/blog and http://www.greenweddingshoes.blogspot.com/, just to name a few. I opened my "wedding checklist" yesterday...wow, I have A LOT to do in the months to come, so I don't think it will be hard to keep myself very busy :)

Anywho...going to get back on track with my usual posts...little tidbits that I think my friends and family might find valuable in their everyday lives...so I hope you will continue to stop by for a visit.

XOXO

p.s. here is a photo of a wedding that i LOVE...very similar to the style we are going for with ours. the groom even has a billy-ball corsage!!

Moving forward...

It's the middle of the night, and here I am...typing.

Matt and I treated ourselves to a little bit of normalcy yesterday...got out of the house and enjoyed some fresh air. We spent our sunny afternoon in Beverly Hills, someplace away from what is familiar to us...a place that wouldn't remind us of anything or where we would bump into anyone we knew. We had a nice lunch at a cafe that I've been to a couple times and always enjoy sitting outside under an oversized umbrella and watch the interesting people who frequent Rodeo Drive.

We ended our day at one of our favorite restaurants - Koi - where, no matter what any other restaurant claims, they still make the best spicy tuna and crispy rice in town. In typical Katie fashion, we ordered the biggest and most decadent dessert on the menu, and then came home for dessert #2 - Ben and Jerry's oatmeal cookie ice cream...YUM.

We both felt really good all day. But coming home was not easy. It made me realize that, even though I was only pregnant for about 10 wks, I had truly already started going through the "nesting" phase. Over the last 4 weeks, I loved just being home...preparing for what's to come by cleaning cupboards and closets, buying new towels and linens, and simply enjoying our cozy little house. Other than working, going for a walk or running errands, I basically spent my last few weeks at home...and whether I was alone or with Matt, I loved every minute of just being there.

Now home just reminds me of the the "could have beens"...all of the feelings and emotions that were once there, preparing for baby, are left....tucked away in our couch, wrapped up in our snuggie, greeting me when I open our pantry, packed in the fridge where the gallon of milk (which I never drank before pregnancy) and healthy treats I bought specifically for being an expectant mommy, still remain.

It is all still so fresh, and everything is a reminder of what life was just a few short days ago...it seems different here now. Only 10 wks of pregnancy...but that 10 wks changed us so much.

I know the healing process has already begun, and I will feel good again soon. I have to continue to distract myself and stay busy...writing definitely helps and hopefully I will be able to get back into wedding planning soon (I don't even know where to begin or where I left off!?!?). I still can't bring myself to really talk about it much with anyone other than Matt...but I look forward to spending time with my inspiring, positive and supportive girlfriends soon.

Again, many thanks to all who have continued to call, text and email...the support means the world to us.

Love you xoxo

Thank you...

To our family & friends...

We can't express how thankful we are for all of your support, encouragement, positive energy and love. For all of you who have left messages, sent texts & emails, we truly appreciate your kind words, as they have been so helpful in getting us get through this challenging time.

I am still having trouble talking about everything, so I apologize for not being able to get back to most of you...but as soon as I am feeling better, I will be sure to call. For now, this is going to be my way of sharing thoughts with friends and family...

In brighter spirits today. The grief is still there, but the surgery to remove the pregnancy went well yesterday, and now that I have gotten that behind me, my body and mind are in healing mode. Matt is taking wonderful care of me...not letting me lift a finger...he's been my rock through all of this.

The nurses at the hospital gave me graham crackers when I woke up from surgery - have you had a graham cracker lately? YUM. I ate almost an entire box!

Anyway, again, thank you all for everything...talk to you soon xoxox